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The ‘Real Housewives’ Are Betrayed and Heartbroken, Billionaire Janet Jackson Rebuffs Her Broke Brothers + More in This Week’s Tabloids

The tabloids taught us a lot while we waited in line this week.
National Enquirer, Life & Style, Star, Us Weekly, OK!

We read OK!, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Star and Life & Style, so you don’t have to. That’s just how we are.

This week, Amanda Bynes is still crazy and still needs to do something with her hair, Katie Holmes made out in the vicinity of a very long camera lens, celebrity moms make the grade (or don’t), all the ‘Real Housewives’ are heartbroken and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.


OK!

 
 
 
OK!
OK!

There was breaking news in OK! this week about Jessica Simpson’s dramatic delivery. We thought maybe her UPS guy was also a Shakespearean actor on the side, but then we saw the part about the last-minute decision to give birth early and how it saved the baby’s life.

Don’t get too excited, though -- she must have changed her mind, because she’s still totes preggers. But we like to imagine her UPS guy rehearses scenes from ‘Macbeth' during his rounds anyway.

Love is in the air and, according to the tabs, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are taking a deep whiff of it and getting married. We know this is true because there are photos of them – taken separately – wearing wedding-y clothes. Also, it’s June. Anybody spotted in June wearing wearing wedding-y attire is obviously getting hitched. Our congrats to the unsuspecting couple.

Dirt was dished this week when Amanda Bynes’ ex talked to OK!. Former Bynes boyfriend Doug Reinhardt had all the details about what she was up to for six months about four years ago when they had a relationship the length of the average headache. Of course, she was fine back then, so all he really had to say to the tab was, “Yeah, she was fine back then.”

He followed up by saying, “I don’t know what’s going on with her now.” And then, “Can I have my check, please?”

When we saw the words Will Smith versus the Kardashians, we were hoping it was a new summer blockbuster -- but alas, it is not. Apparently, there were just some new insults slung between the Fresh Prince and the fresh princesses. But hey, we’re just impressed that Will could come up with new ways to insult that family. He’s creative that way.

Us Weekly

 
 
 
Us Weekly
Us Weekly

Of course there's baby excitement in Us Weekly. This time it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt having both a wedding and a baby. There are details about her gorgeous ring, his sweet proposal and a surprise pregnancy. No word on how much she’ll be insuring her baby bump for, but it’s likely to be worth at least as much as her breasts.

And since we clearly can’t get enough of talking about babies, Us Weekly visited Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan at home with their baby girl. The weirdest part of them becoming celebrity parents is that they actually chose a normal name for their kid, which you just know will get her shunned on Hollywood playgrounds. Way to be selfish, you guys.

There’s nothing new to tell about Amanda Bynes, but that doesn’t stop the tabs from discussing her incessantly. Currently, she's having a crazy week and is refusing her parents’ help. Also, her hair is still a synthetic fright. (We told you there was nothing new.)

But uh oh, strange things are afoot with Katy Perry. Seems she's falling for John Mayer again. What is she thinking? Most likely, she’s thinking she needs material for a new album and, as a graduate of the Taylor Swift School of Songwriting, she knows ex-boyfriends are always good material for that. Go to the head of the class, Katy.

National Enquirer

 
 
 
National Enquirer
National Enquirer

There are no babies in the National Enquirer, but there does appear to be some baby making. For example, Katie Holmes had a public sex romp. Of course, knowing what we know about camera lenses from the Duchess of Cambridge invasion, “public” could be misleading.

Anyway, lucky Katie flaunts her new love, Luke and – now that she’s finally free – shows him passion she never showed control-freak Tom Cruise.

Fly that Finally Free flag, Katie. Fly it high. Fly it proud. God knows you've earned it.

From the "old news" bin, an exclusive interview indicates that Liberace murdered three gay lovers. His ex-boy toy, Scott Thorson, exposed the showman’s evil secret. Which finally answers the age-old question, how many gay lovers does it take to make Liberace's life even more scintillating than what we saw in 'Behind the Candelabra'?

In this week’s hospital drama, Mary Tyler Moore is in a desperate fight for life. According to the tab, she’s got broken bones and is struggling to breathe. We're just a bit suspicious that the editors of the magazine may have hit MTM with a shopping bag full of week-old baguettes in order create said hospital drama, but that’s just a theory.

Meanwhile, cranky billionaire Janet Jackson told her greedy Jackson brothers to get lost. She also requested that they only refer to her as Miss Jackson from now on. Because as everyone knows, grown men who try to sponge money off their sister are totally, completely nasty.

Star

 
 
 
Star
Star

It’s back to super exciting (it's not exciting) "celebs-as-parents" news in this week’s Star. Forget beach bodies -- now it’s time to talk about the best and worst moms on the 2013 report card.

Angelina Jolie gets an A+ and is mother of the year, while Tori Spelling earns a D- for mocking her children for crying. Katie Holmes gets only a C- for letting Suri have a 1 a.m. bedtime. (What, no points off for never allowing the kid walk under her own power?)

Next, we’d like to see a report card on which tabloid wastes more column space on snoozer stories about celebrity parents.

But wait, there’s more! We didn’t even know there was a "celebrity moms report card," and now we discover we can find out who breast feeds her 4-year-old, who leaves her kids with total strangers and who doesn’t change diapers for days. If we weren’t so tired from Pilates, we might even be able to muster up the energy to care.

In other news ... it’s been a while, so you might have to look them up to remember who they are, but the Olsen twins apparently had a double nose job. It’s true because Star has pics inside that show how very different their noses are now than when they started acting. You know, as babies.

That's some crack investigative reporting, Star.

Oh, and it’s heartbreak for ‘Real Housewives’ star Kyle Richards as her hubby is caught with a man. But in all fairness, we can’t blame the husband of one of these wives for never wanting to be with women ever again. We’ve seen the show. We can tell why he turned.

Life & Style

 
 
 
Life & Style
Life & Style

We didn’t get our fill of ‘Real Housewives’ heartbreak so we checked out Teresa Giudice’s in Life & Style: It looks like her husband Joe cheated with the nanny.

Poor Teresa experiences the ultimate humiliation – as if anything was more humiliating than being on the show – as Joe flaunts his affair with the woman she trusted to care for her children. In his defense, Joe said, “Look. My name is Joe and I’m from New Jersey. Look at my wife. I’m already a living cliché. What was I supposed to do?”

There was also drama inside Kim Kardashian’s baby shower. The pampered princess was shocked that people would show up to a party with gifts for some little unborn nobody who doesn't even have her own TV show yet. Then momager Kris Jenner waved some papers around and trilled, "She does nowwwwww!"

Also, looks like Brangelina is more in love than ever. Who knew that a man could love a woman more once her breasts are out of the way?

And finally, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan made the happy baby announcement, “It’s a girl.” We're guessing L&S had an alternate blurb reading "It's a boy" ready to go too, but that's to be expected. Show us the one on deck that said "It's a Labradoodle!" and we'll be impressed.

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