We read Us Weekly, In Touch, Star, Life & Style and the National Enquirer this week — so you didn’t have to. Feel free to thank us later.

Apparently it was Kardashian Week in the tabloids (even more than usual), because all of them were full of Kim's pregnancy weight gain and Khloe's revenge-cheating on Lamar. We also learned about Adele’s secret wedding, Blake Shelton’s multiple affairs, Sean Lowe’s bedroom plans, Michael Douglas’ gay shocker and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

  • Us Weekly

    Us Weekly

    We begin Kardashian Week in the tabloids with Us Weekly and Kim’s apparent agony over pregnancy weight insults, which has resulted in a strict diet. We say she doesn’t need a diet. She should just stop standing so close to a giant title that says, “Don’t call me fat!” Because that only makes us want to call her fat.

    Also, it turns out that Kanye won’t let her wear maternity clothes for some reason. But we’ve seen the pants that rappers wear so we’re not sure what his problem is.

    Adele, who is refreshingly okay with her body, has secret wedding plans. We hope her boyfriend knows about all this, but if he doesn’t, we really want to be there when she tells him. Could be another hit album in the making.

    Us Weekly knows why Julianne Hough dumped Ryan Seacrest. Maybe he just wouldn’t replace all the jewelry she lost. Maybe he really IS gay. Or maybe she's just pissed because his hips are even smaller than hers.

    Alexis Bledel of ‘Gilmore Girls’ fame is now engaged to boyfriend and 'Mad Men' star Vincent Kartheiser. According to a source, Vincent isn’t even sure what really went down or how it happened. All he knows is that Alexis was talking really fast and suddenly they were ordering flowers and choosing cummerbunds.

  • In Touch

    In Touch

    The In Touch portion of Kardashian Week features more of poor, pregnant Kim, who can’t stop eating and is in the middle of a 200-pound nightmare in which she's bingeing on waffle cones and fries. She reportedly had a meltdown over a busted zipper, but if she left the house in that white skirt and no one tried to project a movie on it, we say she’s doing pretty well.

    We get to meet Holly Madison’s baby, Rainbow, and see the first pics of the little bundle. Don’t worry, they cleaned up all the gook and sweat before taking any photos, so they aren’t as scary as the first pics your Uncle Jim took of your Aunt Kate when she had your cousin Becky. And you don’t have to look at them right before Thanksgiving dinner, either.

    There are also tantalizing ‘Bachelor’ bedroom secrets this week. You might even find out how far “virgin” bachelor Sean Lowe will go in the boudoir while still saving himself for his wedding night with Catherine Giudici. We’re guessing it will be based on the per-hour price and the availability of services. He’ll still be a virgin with Catherine. That’s how it works, right?

    There are also 17 yikes-worthy red carpet blunders, including that time Hayden Panettiere showed up to an event with bright yellow clipart stars taped to her nipples. Apparently, celebs have shown up on a lot of red carpets with those stars taped to their naughty bits. At least 17 times that we know of.

  • Star


    In keeping with Kardashian Week, Star magazine has discovered and announced that Khloe Kardashian-Odom is cheating on her husband Lamar, in an act of exclamatory, yellow-on-hot-pink revenge.

    Having had enough after years of marriage heartache and betrayal, Khloe supposedly plunged herself – not into a river – but into a new romance with a hip-hop star. Because they're super stable. Regardless, multiple photos of a very serious-looking Khloe prove the truth of these statements.

    Star also appears to have the exclusive rights to the Blake Shelton-Miranda Lambert divorce, plus the business savvy to reveal Blake’s multiple – in italics – affairs. Affairs or not, you have to know that any couple who ends up with a big rip between them every time they have a photo taken is just doomed.

    Gwyneth Paltrow speaks out about her miscarriage and says, “I almost died.” And everyone else says, “That’s terrible, and we’re appropriately frightened for you in our time warp of politeness, but it was like five years ago or something. Can you please give us something more recent and less depressing to talk about?” But kudos to Goopy on turning tragedy into triumph by using it to help boost sales of her new cookbook.

    You can’t celebrate tabloid Kardashian Week without mentioning Kimmy K, so Star does make sure to note that she's having plastic surgery while pregnant. We hope she uses it to fix whatever weird face problem the Photoshop mastermind at Star gave her -- because on the cover, the barcode looks better than she does.

  • Life & Style

    Life & Style

    Kardashian Week continues at Life & Style, where – you won’t be shocked by this because you were just over at Star – Khloe Kardashian-Odom has been caught with another man. Apparently, the source didn’t want to leave anyone out and also mentioned to L&S that Khloe was cozying up to a famous rapper. This caused Lamar to have a shocking reaction. Like hives or hysterical laughter or something.

    The ever-nosy L&S also had the exclusive on Bachelor Sean’s first night with fiancé Catherine. If it’s their actual first night as a couple, we’re pretty sure they spent it flying across the country to start the East Coast press tour. If it’s their first night night together, well, really, they’re the only two who should have the exclusive on that.

    There’s a big “uh-oh” because Taylor Swift has moved on with an athlete. By now, we can’t keep track of who she’s moved on from, but that doesn’t matter. We’re just hoping the athlete she picked isn’t Tiger Woods – although she’s totes his type – or A-Rod. They have issues. Then again, lots of things rhyme with both Woods and Rod, so maybe that's the criteria she's using these days.

    Spring’s best bags are out, because, let’s admit it, this is Life and Style, so we have to talk about some style. Sadly, this is not a reference to a gathering of ‘Real Housewives’ casts, but it should be. If you think about it, they do match their shoes: leathery, tanned, and pumped.

  • National Enquirer

    National Enquirer

    The National Enquirer must have missed the memo that it’s Kardashian Week, because they spilled the beans on the Michael Douglas gay shocker instead and he’s not a Kardashian at all.

    Unfortunately, Michael has the kind of best friend who would tell all about the twisted secret he’s keeping from Catherine Zeta-Jones and the real reason he’s playing Liberace – which totally cancels out all of the super-hot non-gay roles he’s played.

    Chelsea Clinton has been going through fertility treatment heartache, so she’s adopting an African baby instead. Seems Brad and Angelina had one they didn't even know about, so they were happy to downsize.

    Tiger Woods has a pregnancy bombshell in the pages of the National Enquirer. They know why he’s gone public with sexy Olympic champ Lindsey Vonn. Being pregnant is really going to ruin his golf swing, but hey, it’s pretty much the only way he could actually shock us these days.

    You know it’s not a good week when the normally rather stable Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have a public blowup. Look, they have a bunch of kids and those balloons weren't going to inflate themselves. Next time, though, they should really get a helium tank.